With a "Rebel Yell"

It was 1985 and there was to be a new leaf in my chapter........."Sex".

I had been going steady with my boyfriend for over a year or so, the usual kiss n cuddle, holding hands going to and from school, but our relationship was to go a new level.

My boyfriend decided to leave school in 1985 and to go straight into an "apprentice" role, me? well I stayed on at 6th form to pursue the equivalent of what is now a BTEC National. A course that was spent 2 days at school and 3 days at college and most of all, NO school uniform.....wooo hoo! The only time I saw my boyfriend was on Friday/Saturday night and that's when the parties began. Well not going into too much detail I guess you can put two and two together to work out what happened next?, yes I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I felt like a "new woman" but locked deep in my vault I was not satisfied and yearned for something else, but for now I was enjoying my new experience.

As our lives started to take a different path, our time together became non existent, work, rest and no play. It was then we decided that it would be better to end our relationship and move on. I had just started employment and it was new territory for me, a stable job, new faces, new friends and new lovers. I actually started enjoying my life again.

But back at home, things were not looking so good, my dad was ill and was suffering the odd black out due to a heart condition and my elder brother was forever in and out of hospital. The trouble was that no one knew what was wrong with my brother, but deep down I knew my mom knew but she was not letting on.

It was around that time when my childhood friend Tony had a secret which he yearned to tell, it was eating him and he was at the end of his tether. One night he called me in floods of tears and asked me to come over to see him. I had only seen Tony cry only once before and that was when his mom walked out on his dad and family and ran off with her bit on the side. He was 11 at the time and instantly my mom took him under her wing, so from then Tony was like family. When his dad was at work, Tony was with us, we made sure that he was well looked after.

But that night I was fearing the worse, for Tony to be crying only means bad news.

When I got to Tony's dad's house, he was waiting for me in the porch, tears still running from his eyes, when he opened the door I immediately hugged him and asked him what had happened.

He took my hand and took me to the lounge, the house was empty, no sign of his dad. He sat me down while he sat opposite me, again he burst out into tears cupping his hands over his face. I took his hands and held them, I looked at Tony and asked what had happened. Tony took a deep breath and told me the events of the night. Tony had a secret which he had to tell, so he told his dad and also his friends, and what was the secret?........... Tony was gay. Tony then told me how his friends and dad reacted, well lets say that they were not over the moon about the news and that they all decided to cut their ties with Tony once and for all. Let us not forget at that time AIDS was the new killer disease which threatened the gay community and because of ignorance, people assumed that because you were gay you had AIDS. On hearing the news I looked at Tony and smiled, he asked as to why I was smiling and whether I found his whole event amusing. My response to Tony knocked him for six, I held his hands and looked into his eyes and said "no matter what, I will always stand by you and your decision, not only do I have a great friend but I have also gained a sister" On hearing that Tony roared with laughter then started to cry again, he pulled me into his arms and said that that I was the only person who took his news well. I told him that I am true to my word, I will help him and stand by him and that is exactly what I did, for my new mission was now "Operation find Tony a boyfriend".

It was 1987 and I became Tony's official "Fag Hag", I took him out every Thursday night to the "Gay night" at one of the night clubs in the City Centre. I was on my mission and made it my goal to help Tony. Week after week, new faces, new acquittance's, and my mission was not only becoming exciting, but deep down I was actually enjoying the scene. The only thing was that I was the centre of attention, Tony ended up looking out for me because of girls coming up and making advances, only to walk away shaking their head saying "what a waste of a life, she is straight". At that time I was dating a guy from work, I was happy and I actually thought that he was the one who I was going to settle down with. Something that I look back now and regret every thought.

That same year, things got worse at home. My dad suffered a black out on Xmas day, was rushed into hospital only to be sent packing home because the female doctor was more concerned about attending the Xmas party rather than attending to my dad. On New years eve my dad suffered a huge stroke ended up in hospital and after a month he was sent to what we thought was a speech therapy unit, but little did we know that he was actually committed to a mental home. The doctors had my mom in to sign some documents and my mom not being to well on her English grammar was not aware of their intentions and signed my dad away to an asylum. That same year, my elder brothers health was also a concern, forever in and out of hospital In London, he was losing weight and I had a feeling that there was more to his illness that met the eye. I had my suspicions but kept them close to heart.

Not having my dad around was utter heartache, I made sure that I visited him every day, It broke my heart seeing him there in an institution, a room full of elderly men sat on a seat in front of a TV while the nurses were sitting on the other side of the room playing cards and not give a crap about their patients. There were times that I noticed bruises on my dad that could not be accounted for, or times that I turned up and my dad was missing, only to find out that he had walked out of the hospital and was wondering in the hospital grounds trying to find a way home.

In all that time we were fighting with the authorities to at least let my dad come out for the day and spend it with his family. Sunday was the most important day for the family as it was a day that we were all together, from diner to the evening and it was Sunday that we wanted dad to be with us. After 4 months we actually won our battle to have our dad home on Sunday's. I was thrilled and it was my honour to collect him. I would take my dad for a long drive, sometimes park up by the airport and watch the planes, then it was back home. The first thing I would do was give my dad a bath and wash his clothes, as he had the awful "hospital" smell. Sunday's were now full of happiness and joy, we were a family united once again. I was getting used and actually enjoyed taking care of my dad, his little baby now taking care of him. Little did I know that my life was going to go through a dramatic change.

Summer of 1989 my dad had a severe stroke while in the hospital, he never regained consciousness and a week later he passed away at the age of 72. I was only 20 years of age and I will never forget that day as long as I live, that day my whole world came to a stand still. My dad who I adored and loved was now in the hands of God and to this day I still miss him dearly.

Six months after my elder brother fell ill and the truth came out, my suspicions were right, he had AIDS. Even though my brother was gay, he did not contract the disease from sex, but from a blood transfusion he had a few years earlier after a major operation. It was Xmas 1989 and my brother was discharged from hospital and allowed to come home to die. (My brother actually lived next door to us as he had brought the house when it went up for sale about 14 years earlier) Again my whole world came crashing down, and again I was there to attend to my brother and be his carer. For 18 days I was constantly by his bedside and for those 18 days I got to know my elder brother allot more. He told me stories about his life, how he travelled with mom and dad while my dad served in the Army, how he "came out" to my parents, talked about the scene in his day, stuff that was all new to me. We laughed, we cried, I actually got to know my elder brother in a space of 18 days than it took me the whole 20 years of my life. One thing he told me that I will never forget is "Never be ashamed of who you are". He knew that I had been on the scene, but I did not ever have the heart to tell him that deep inside me was a secret that I had wanted to tell him.

January 1990 my elder brother left this world at the age of 40. It was then when I realised what my elder brother had told my mom when she was pregnant with me all those years ago, God had brought me into this world for a purpose and now I can see why. Even though I was the "baby" of the family, I actually became the "Rock" and my mom need me more than anything, just 6 months earlier she lost her husband and now she is burying her son.

It was from then that I noticed that things were not going right in my relationship, my boyfriend was acting very strangely, only saw him at work more than I did on the evenings and weekends, even though were were officially engaged. The truth was that I just found out that I was pregnant and that I was going to tell my boyfriend on the night of my friends 18th birthday party (I had not even told my family the news). As usual I was on the dance floor with my friends while the "lads" were at the bar in the other room, I was waiting for the right moment to tell my boyfriend the good news.

Later on that evening, my boyfriend came into the room, his white shirt covered in blood, I nearly had 40 fits and thought that he was stabbed. I noticed blood coming from his mouth and then saw that his front tooth had been knocked out. He told me that once of my friends was trying to chat up a girl who was not interested in my friends advances and told him to leave her alone, then apparently my boyfriend stepped in to ask my friend to leave her then out of the blue he was head butted. So that night we ended up in A & E will the early hours of Sunday morning waiting for an emergency dentist to come and attend to my boyfriend. All that time he was telling me that I was to blame because he was my friend. I found it hard to understand as to why he was now blaming me?, how can I now tell him that he is going to become a father?, I just kept quiet and though that I will tell him another time, once all this has blown over.

Two days later, when I returned from work, my friend was sitting on my doorstep, I just ignored him and walked passed him. My mom called me and said that he has been sitting on my doorstep for the last 3 hrs and that I should go and talk to him, as one thing my mom taught me was always to hear both sides of the story. I was quite reluctant at first but eventually went out to talk to my friend and listen to what he had to say. What I heard sent chills down my spine, not only did my boyfriend lie to me about the incident, but also that he was seeing his ex girlfriend behind my back and she had given birth to his child. I was in a rage! I thanked my friend for his honesty and did not blame him one bit for his actions as it was my boyfriend who was the one who was trying to chat up the girl at the party and my friend was the one who stepped in to remind him that he had a girlfriend. So now the truth was out, my boyfriend was cheating on me all that time, only to use me for his financial gain.

I confronted my boyfriend and had it out with him, he then admitted to the affair and that his ex had his child. I then told him that I was pregnant with his child, his reaction was plain and simple "how do I know that the child is mine?" ....... well I saw red, got up and slapped him across the face, how dare he accuse me of sleeping around!. Well that was it, relationship ended and me pregnant. Now how am I going to brake the news to my family?. I sat thinking for days and nights what the best solution was, then I made my final decision, I was going to abort. So I told my sister and eventually my mom. It was a shock to them at first but at least they were very supportive. Of course Tony my friend was there for me too. On the day of the abortion he and my sister came with me for moral support. It was all over and so too was my charade life. It's now time to do something that I have been yearning to do for a very long time "sample the forbidden fruits" of pleasure.

Of course my next post will reveal all :-)